4 posts tagged “sex”

[Crossposted to Official Shrub.com Blog.]

Via Majikthise, Brad Hicks has a good analysis of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

There’s not much more I can say about the analysis, but the responses in comments are quite interesting, particularly in how the song is defended. It’s illustrative of the ways in which the status quo with respect to rape and consent gets defended.

Aesthetic Defense

And analysis destroys another great song.

Here the argument is that we shouldn’t engage in feminist analysis of popular culture, lest we lessen our enjoyment of or ability to participate in said culture. If we look to closely at our culture, the argument goes, all we’ll see is patriarchy. (In this way, it’s similar to the “we can’t complain about coercion or people wouldn’t get laid” argument).

Free Speech

Thus we must ban any song that may seem to have those sorts of connotations!

Please.

Occasionally the argument is not that the analysis will “spoil” the work for the critic, but that the critic has an agenda to “spoil” the song for everybody else through censorship. The effect of this argument is to silence criticism because nobody wants to sound like a censor. A related argument is that the critic is against sexuality in general rather than the problematic depiction being critiqued.

Minimization

People shouldn’t be too uptight about music.

Also known as the “you have no sense of humor” or “it’s just a song” argument. Tekanji posted about this in “Debunking the Myth of Frivolity”, and it’s a better rebuttal than any I could give here.

Good Intentions

Both Frank Loesser and his wife have archived interviews regarding this song, its composition, and premiere at a party they gave for friends. Sorry, I don’t have URLs for them. Neither allude to anything that would lend credence to these darker interpretations of the lyrics.

This is a different kind of argument; it relies on the authority of the author (or someone closer to the author than the critic is) to say what a work is really about. That the author of the lyrics may have thought them playfully sexy and didn’t intend to describe a date rape doesn’t make them problematic; indeed, it’s a quite similar argument to the one that an actual rapist may make - that the understanding was that the encounter was fully consensual. While an artist’s interpretation of his own work can make for interesting conversation material, it doesn’t invalidate other interpretations, and it certainly doesn’t disqualify the work from being used as a springboard to talk about the culture in general.

Armchair Psychoanalysis

I think you have misinterpreted the lyrics according to your own ideas of right and wrong (obviously) and this has defined the result more than the song itself.

This is basically a way of deflecting the criticism back onto the critic, and ties into the argument from popularity: “Nobody else has a problem with it, why do you?” The effect is to get critics to stop talking about the work and focus more on themselves.

Rape Apologism

leaving verbal inflection aside she does a fair amount of dithering but assuming she has her own wheels and car keys the failure to get up and go combined with making *excuses* sounds a LOT like “convince me. I want to have my cake (being a good girl) and eat it too (not live like a nun)”.

In fact the whole point is that she is in the position to definitively say “no,” to leave, to forcefully reject her pursuer, but she specifically never does. In the end her response is always well “maybe.” I ought to say no. Well maybe one more drink. After all, it is cold outside.

“She really wanted it.” “She could have said no, or left.” I think these folks need to read Biting Beaver’s posts on coercive rape and playing hard to get, in order to see how problematic these statements really are.

It Was a Different Time

In a nutshell, she really wants to, but she can’t square that with societal mores.

Some good comments here, but also a lot of temporal imperialism.

It’s very easy to judge people in the past as naive, or stupid, or ignorant, or otherwise somehow shameful because they perceived things or conducted themselves differently from us. They weren’t, they simply lived in a different milieu.

I think these sorts of arguments are fundamentally misguided. “Temporal imperialism” is not the same thing as colonialism. The former is simply reinterpreting the data; the latter involves significant power differentials and the potential for exploitation. Both involve privileged perspectives, but the privilege of hindsight is by definition not exploitative; the past may not be able to answer for itself, but neither can it be altered.

In addition, the criticism of the song isn’t actually all that focused on the time the song was written, because it’s not one that establishes itself as belonging to its time period. These attitudes aren’t altogether gone, and that’s why it’s still important to point out that what’s described in the song is either a prelude to rape or indistinguishable therefrom.

A few days ago, after having discovered reddit, I found a couple of lists of sex advice.  Given that the general disfunctionality of modern "dating" has always interested me (even back when it was largely academic), I couldn't let them go without responding.

The first list is entitled Fifty Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex, and is actually an okay list but seems idiosyncratic in places (and nowhere deserving of the outpouring of misogyny found in the comments).

2 Not knowing how to kiss sensitively

Passionate or sensitive, firm or gentle, good kissing is an art form which lubricates the wheels of sex and gets everyone in the mood for more intimacy. Learn how to kiss, and do it well. That doesn't mean sticking your tongue in her mouth and wiggling it around like you're trying to floss her teeth.

While I partly agree with this one, I have a problem with "Not knowing how to..." being classified as a "mistake."  "Kissing badly" may be, and being stubborn in one's ignorance about what pleases one's partner certainly is, but if people are willing to communicate about what they like, it shouldn't take too long to figure out what'll work.

8 Not shaving before sex

When you're in the throes of passion, having your beard stubble brushing back and forth across her face isn't so sexy, but at least it'll produce a red rash she can remember you by.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with these sorts of unilateral obligations.  I think that if a guy does have stubble, that should be acknowledged - if I haven't shaved recently, I'm not going to be doing some things in quite the same way because of that sandpaper effect.  Really, it's a cost-benefit thing - is the delay required to go in and shave worth the change in sensation?  Sometimes it will be, sometimes not.  And I suppose if someone of any gender really wants to make some form of hair removal a deal-breaker, more power to 'em.  But honestly, a lot of it seems like societal expectation rather than general preference.

14 Breaking off just as she's getting to the point where she wants you to keep going at all costs

Women often get so lost in their sexual arousal that they forget to give feedback. In reality, the fact that she's lying there quietly may actually mean she loves what you're doing; if so, you should feel her pressing her vulva against your mouth or fingers, or shifting like she wants more touch, rather than giving you a sense that she'd rather be out shopping.

I'm not sure if this falls in the category of psychic powers.  I'd consider shifting to be "feedback," but if my partner is just "lying there quietly" I'm sure as hell going to stop and ask if everything's okay.  And if I'm wrong, she's perfectly capable of telling me to keep going; erring on the side of caution is better in the long run, because it's easily self-curing.  Maybe I'd feel differently if I were into one-night stands, where there's no "long run" to speak of.

16 Undressing yourself inelegantly - which includes taking your socks off after your underwear

Nothing is more comical (or pathetic) to a woman than a man in his socks and pants. Except possibly a naked man wearing socks. If you don't understand why, just accept that it is so.

If you're trying to give your partner a show, perhaps.  Most of the time, this is going to be sufficiently temporary or irrelevant that nobody will care.

18 Sticking a finger up her vagina before she's ready, willing and able

In general, women do like to be penetrated just as much as men like to penetrate, which, considering how much men like to stick things up there, is just as well. However, she'll only want you to do this when the time is right - i.e. when she's aroused enough to enjoy it. If you're giving her clitoris attention, there'll be a point where she might like to have a finger or two inside her. If so, be gentle, and start with one finger on her G-spot. Make sure she enjoys this before you put another one up there. Two fingers on her G-spot is probably as much as she will want. And be just as firm with your touch as she finds pleasurable. If you don't know what the G-spot is, then do some Google-ing before you get into bed.

I'm not disagreeing with the gist here, but Google is not an acceptable substitute for talking to your partner.

19 Entering her without asking her first

What is it with men and these dark, wet places? Just keep in mind that she decides how far sex goes, and if she doesn't want to enjoy intercourse then don't press the point. This applies especially to any strategy that involves nudging your penis into position and then pressing forward without her consent, verbal or otherwise! Having said that, you don't always need to ask "May I enter you?" though it can be a romantic and sexy thing to do if you're looking deep into her eyes. Needless to say, that's most likely to happen in the man on top position, which, by the way, remains everyone's most popular position for sex.

I'm sad that this has to even be on the list - it's not "a mistake," it's rape.  And I disagree - you do always need to ask in some form; it's just that rape apologists act like the only way to do this is stop and speak in stilted language.  (Also, since when is "man on top" everyone's favorite position?  And if it's not the favorite, why is it the most popular?)

22 Coming before she's got excited or begun to enjoy sex

There aren't many men who can last long enough to really satisfy a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse and G-spot stimulation. If you can't be bothered learning how to be a long lasting lover, then at least have the decency to keep going for a few minutes so she gets some pleasure. This isn't hard, and there are plenty of ways you can learn to extend intercourse and not come so quickly. Do some research on Google for "end premature ejaculation". See also number 26.

I'm not sure about the "learning how to be a long lasting lover" thing (it's probably possible, but "learning" seems the wrong word; "training" maybe?), but I can guarantee that if you Google for that you're not going to find what you're looking for (assuming you're not looking for "vitamin supplement" style snake oil) easily.  But continuing PIV sex after ejaculation strikes me as a horrible idea for anyone who's actually concerned about avoiding pregnancy (I'm assuming a fertile couple and the use of barrier methods, here).  I'm not saying that it's "game over" - just find other ways, and in the future plan your timing better.

23 Not coming at all - or losing your erection when you put the condom on

If you're one of that rarer breed of men who has trouble coming during intercourse, may we respectfully suggest you see a sexual therapist? You can then deal with this problem, learn to come more quickly, and avoid giving her a numb vagina and an intimate knowledge of the exact shade of color you painted your bedroom ceiling. If you're one of the many men who lose their erection when the condom comes out of its foil wrapper and onto the head of your penis, it's back to Google for a search on, surprisingly enough, "losing erection when putting on a condom".

We seem to be moving away from "mistakes" and into the realm of "peeves."  For the first problem, why is she still having intercourse if she's not enjoying it?  Tell the idiot to stop, and do something more fun.  As for the second, if you're going to use Google as your resource rather than, say, a library, why not look up the information together?

24 Asking her how it was for her

This is not the mark of a confident lover, so if you really want some feedback, phrase it thus: "Did you prefer it when I did X or Y?"

Honestly, I'm going to probably want to talk about it, because that's the best time to discuss things that aren't appropriate for "during."  I'll try not to be cliche (e.g., "was it good for you too?"), but I don't feel I'm under any obligation to be "confident" to the point of ignorant.  

34 Answering honestly when she asks you what your last lover was like

Guys, when a woman asks you if her butt is too big, do you tell her the truth? Enough said. Your current lover is always the most gorgeous, sexy and desirable woman around. Even if she doesn't really believe it, that's what she wants to hear.

This is a stupid mind game, and if your partner is doing this sort of thing than she (or he) is acting immature.  I wouldn't usually answer these kinds of questions because it's disrespectful to the other partner; would she want me to tell a potential future partner about intimate details?.

36 Making her do all the work

Changing positions is all very well, but asking her to ride you each time you have sex seems a bit one sided. Vary the positions, have fun, and take equal shares of the work. Don't just settle for one favorite position and flog it to death.

I think the important thing here is communication - if it feels like "work" to one person, something's wrong!

38 Photographing or videoing your lovemaking

Unfortunately, as many jilted lovers can testify, taking pictures while you enjoy sex is putting power in the hands of the person who has the pictures. A good compromise is to link your video camera direct to your TV without recording the images. That way you can have the erotic thrill of seeing yourself during sex without having to worry about seeing yourself having sex on the internet in a few years' time.

Unfortunately, we are in a culture that encourages that sort of thing as a revenge tactic, and what really needs to be done is for people to stop encouraging that (and recognize that it's illegal in most jurisdictions).  One way of mitigating this is making sure both people have a copy of the images (easy to do in these days of digital recording), a sort of "Mutually Assured Destruction" policy - but even that's dicey in the emotional flareups that can happen after a breakup.  I'm not sure what the best solution is, besides being aware of the risks and making sure both parties totally consent to the recording before, during, and after (i.e., if one partner wants the recording deleted, it gets deleted).

40 Not romancing her

Women love romance. Men put up with it, or do it to get sex. True or false? Probably true, but the romantic "chase" is deeply rewarding for most men (i.e. seducing and winning a woman makes us feel deeply fulfilled), and romance is an essential part of that process. If you're able to continue being romantic once you're an established couple, then you set yourself head and shoulders above the rest of your fellow men, and you stand that much greater chance of getting regular, passionate sex.

Stereotype city.  Though I'm not even sure what she means by "romance" here, I'm pretty sure it's not a one-way street, or something that's exchanged for sex.  Neither "romance" (in the "feelings" sense, or in the "trappings of a traditional monogamous relationship" sense) nor sex should be bargaining chips, in my opinion.

45 Talking dirty without checking if she likes it

Generally a little consensual dirty talk between adults adds to the excitement. The first time your partner tells you to f*** her hot wet c*** you'll see what I mean. If that hasn't happened yet, and you'd like it to, encourage her to talk dirty to you when you're making love, and see what pops out of her mouth. You might be surprised. Remember legend has it that the quiet ones are often the most surprising in bed!

There's a disconnect here between the title and the text.  I don't see talking as something to directly "check" the way physical activities do, but it's probably a bad idea to be cliched or misogynist in your talk, because it's likely going to be profoundly unerotic.  Most pornspeak, unfortunately, is both.

49 Not spending some time with her in your arms after sex

A man who gets up after he's done the business and sets about his daily routine is probably top of most women's sexual dislikes. For her, this is a special time when a woman feels very close to her partner. She takes much longer to come down from sex than a man does, she wants to know she's loved and special, and she wants to feel adored by the man to whom she has just given her most precious asset. The very least you can do is to spend a half hour or so cuddling her while you relax after making love, even if you're not going to spend the night with her.

While I see the author's point here, can we avoid the essentialism of "he wants to get up and leave, she wants 30 minutes of cuddling?"

Now on to the men's rebuttal, which was actually written by a woman--or at least someone who claims to be.  (Ironically enough, the "mistakes men make" list was apparently written by a man.)  This "Mistakes Women Make" post is obviously a response, and as such has the problems of being (a) too defensive and (b) framed in response to the other post.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

We get a recognition of the distinction between reasonable and unreasonable expectation, but it's couched in so much misogyny that I can't see how anyone would bother with trying to "figure it out."  (Hint:  it's not her job to "get it hard."  It's both partners'.)

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

I don't think this is really in contrast to what was said above, except that the author is buying into the "women like gentle, men like rough" stereotype.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

This is the best advice of the bunch, and it applies to both men and women.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

Gah!  Can we stop with the "wired differently" bullshit?  It may have meaning when you're talking about particular physical activities (though once it boils down to brain chemistry, I doubt there's all that much difference), and to an extent even to post-sex fatigue, but everything that gets lumped in with this makes no sense.  Men apparently want to talk about if the sex were good, leave, and fall asleep; women want to talk and bond and cuddle and never get tired at all.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

Okay advice except for the gender essentialism and the whiff of quid pro quo.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

Who does this?  I thought that the sex advice in those mags was more for entertaining teenagers.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

Honestly, this is probably bullshit.  His mouth is likely unoccupied; he can bloody well tell you what he wants.  He's probably doing that because he saw it in a porno, or because he's trying to feel in control. 

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

Who keeps going if their partner is lying back and thinking of England?  At least talk about it, and if there's some reason they're doing a sex-doll imitation you can figure things out.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

It's not the same thing, though; beard stubble can be a lot more bothersome.  (And again with the quid pro quo!)

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

People spend way too much time already worrying about this.  It's not a prerequisite.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

Honestly, this isn't gender-specific.  In fact, I've heard more women complain about it than men.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

I've never encountered this - is the idea that reciprocation has to be evaluated on a per-encounter basis?  Also, kneepads?  What's with the assumption that he's going to be standing up?  That seems less comfortable for everyone involved.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

Communication is good, though noises aren't always that ambiguous, especially in context.  (Again, err on the side of caution.)

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

Well, it's both people's responsibilities, though I think it makes sense to have some in each partner's bedroom.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

There's talking dirty, and there's talking dirty badly (am I the only one who saw that Seinfeld episode?).  Using misogynist terms like that (without deciding in advance that you're both into that sort of thing) is an easy way to hit a wrong note.  If you can't figure out how to say erotic things without calling your partner "slut" or "whore," you need to find some better erotica, stat.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

Not really a single-gender thing.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

Again, not really single-gender.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

While communication is a must, this is bullshit.  (And, for that matter, rape.)  There's no such thing as "saying no like it's an invitation" except in the minds of sociopaths.  If you can't say what you like, you're not likely to get it, but that's not an excuse for your partner to assume carte blanche.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

It seems silly, but body image (and entitlement) issues are real.  As long as it doesn't lead to "I'm just going to lie here and do nothing," I don't see it as a big problem.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

Maybe there's more of a reason, maybe not.  Communicate!

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

This wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have a societal expectation of this sort of thing rather than enthusiastic participation.  But then there's the bullshit "men are more visual" thing, and the suggestions that don't suggest that she's enjoying it for himself, but that she's obligated to please him.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

"To make his job easier?"  My job is typing documents and doing research.  Do it because you enjoy it.  (And again, this should apply to both genders, yet we expect it more from women, as "putting on a show.")

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

Gah.  (First, it's again not a gender thing, though there's arguably more pressure on guys to not stop.)  If he's confused, you talk about it.  (That's talk, not have a debate contest with sex as the potential prize.)  All an attitude like this does is keep people from "fooling around" when they want that but not more, and I think that's a bad thing.

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

I haven't encountered this as a question of feminist cred.  Occasionally a "sex thread" will get women who say they like their partner to take control, but they've usually reconciled this with their feminism.  (There are others who say they don't like this; the consensus is usually that it's something to be agreed upon rather than assumed.)

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

How about negotiating control and avoiding the strawfeminism?

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

Honestly, 32 is mostly overrated except as a subset of 31.  While some guys are undoubtedly "wired differently," I think for many it's mostly psychological.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

I can think of a lot of things that are worse.  But I'm really not sure what's being referred to here.  (At the risk of sounding like a broken record... communication!  It doesn't take very long to agree on precautions.)

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

More strawfeminism.  I think the people who don't like it just don't get much out of it; there's nothing wrong with that.  It's not an obligation (and if someone's acting like it is, there is an objectification problem there).

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

There's a middle ground between leaving porcelain dolls and bruises.  (Though if either's your thing, more power to ya.)

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

This is confusing.  Is the problem "refusing to try things" (which can be bad or not - people are allowed to say that something doesn't excite them before they've tried) or romanticizing sex (which is neither good nor bad, unless there's unrealistic expectations involved).  Just live and let live, what's so hard about that?

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

Honestly, it's not "the American dream" - it's just a safe answer to the "what's your fantasy" question.  As for asking, even the author notes a difference between bringing something up (and if you don't understand that it has to be handled delicately with a monogamous partner, you're an idiot) and acting entitled.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

Um, right.  If this is a woman writing it, she's doing the whole "I'm the best girlfriend because I do what men want" thing that's really annoying.  The earlier complaint wasn't about accidentally coming into contact with semen, it was about guys who take their cues from porn deciding that it's just natural to ejaculate on someone else and they don't have to ask about it.  (It's not "the whole point" - enjoyment is the point.  Messy fluids are anything from a means to enjoyment to an annoying side effect to a biological hazard.)

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

This is good advice given in an insulting manner.  I don't have to be the best anybody's ever had (that's another way of saying you want any other sex they've had to not be as good as it could be; what kind of selfish jerk wants that?).  I just have to know they're enjoying it.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

Not gender specific. 

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

Just do that stuff in a kitchen or bathroom, where cleaning up is easier.  Practicality may not be romantic, but some things are just stupid.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

Honestly, this doesn't matter that much.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

Speak for yourself.  I'm gonna wanna talk.  (Incidentally, the "woman equivalent of 'was it good for you?'" is "was it good for you?".  Also, hopefully he'll take a leak before he takes a nap if you're sharing a bed.)

Am I the only gamer who was up until now unaware that Bully featured teh gay make-outs?

[Crossposted to Official Shrub.com Blog.]

Just when I was starting to feel like I was getting old, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services comes through and treats me like a kid again:

Now the government is targeting unmarried adults up to age 29 as part of its abstinence-only programs, which include millions of dollars in federal money that will be available to the states under revised federal grant guidelines for 2007.

Up to 29?  Heck, even if we don't take the usual tactic here of focusing on the endpoint, the average age of the cohort they're including is 24.  Most unmarried 24-year-olds are going to be either in the workforce or higher education - presumably at that point they've merited a little autonomy?

For twenty-somethings, it's not really an abstinence only program any more, because as far as I'm aware there's no centralized, government-funded source of sex education for us.  There is not as yet any law against turning on my TV and watching Sue Johansson on cable, or going to the library and checking out books on the subject, or going online and (unless I'm on Buffalo's heavily filtered municipal wireless, where I can't read half my usual blogs because they're afraid someone's going to lure a kid into an unmarked van with promises of Pandagon posts) reading about any imaginable variation.

In addition, many of the abstinence arguments for teenagers simply don't apply in the same way.  Telling a 15-year-old that he or she should wait to have sex is very different from telling a 25-year-old to wait.  The message to the kid is more "wait until you're older" than "wait until you're married," although the assumption is that they will follow the approved life script and marry in their late teens or twenties.  For the adult, it's all about marriage - nobody has a problem with his or her married peers being sexually active - and an adult has a better idea of the likelihood of their getting married at some point than a teenager does.

So I suspect "abstinence only" isn't really aimed at gutting sex ed like it is for the kids; it's about funding a propaganda campaign.

But Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the Department of Health and Human Services, said the revision is aimed at 19- to 29-year-olds because more unmarried women in that age group are having children.

Wait, I thought that women were supposed to have children in their twenties.  Isn't that what the panic about career women who wait until later in life to have kids is about?  Oh, right, we're talking about unmarried women here.  (I suspect we're also talking about women of color here when we mention "identifying groups" at risk.)

"The message is 'It's better to wait until you're married to bear or father children,' " Horn said. "The only 100% effective way of getting there is abstinence."

This is flatly untrue.  Given that (as of now) abortion and contraception are both legal, for folks with access to them (which sadly isn't universal), that's pretty much a 100% effective way of not bearing children you don't want.  Ironically, the statement is a lot more true for men, given that they have to abide by their partner's decision.  So why does "abstinence only" ignore contraception for does every form of abstinence only treat men's behavior as an afterthought?

Furthermore, I'm not sure how my marrying someone would make either them or me a better parent.  The only thing I can think of is that they could get the benefit of my health insurance.  It's not going to make us better off financially or make me want children.

I think this shows what the "abstinence only" movement is really about:  it's less about helping people than social control.  (I suppose that when enough arguments get leveled at the pregnancy rationale, they'll switch over to STDs as the reason.)  Abstinence-only education, the ire over gay marriage, it all boils down to the idea that we should all be good little Christians and adhere to the script; if we're not good little Christians, we should at least have the decency to hide it.

More at Pandagon.